Reminiscence
by one hundred zeros
Summary: In the aftermath of the war, all that are left are broken dreams and shattered worlds. For a moment, creep away from the despair, and let us examine the many crossroads in that place beyond yesterday... Hijikata/Chizuru Okita/Saito
1. Chapter 1

Look Over Here :: こっち向いて

If anybody ever really considered it, everyone was a little broken - not so much, not very - but beneath everything, there were still those memories which they wished to forget, and because they all had a silent agreement never to ask, most times, most days, they did.

But if it ever came down to it - not that it ever did, since no one particularly wished for anymore memories than those they already have - people would most likely say that out of their whole messed-up group of misfits, the most _normal _(ignoring what that meant) one would undoubtably be Okita Souji.

Sure, he was childish, and he liked to tease others more than was healthy for him (especially when a certain demon _fukuchou_ was involved), but all in all, he was pretty much normal. No particularly troubling childhood, no permanent disabilities, no murderous father-uncle out for revenge - all in all, as normal as anyone was likely to get within the Shinsengumi.

Which is why when Saito first found him sitting out on the porch, leaning back on his arms and a strangely melancholic expression on his face, on a cold winter night, the usually stoic man was quietly surprised. It was, of course, not the sitting that worried him though, considering that Okita was very much like a cat and could be found stretched out on the porch almost any fine day when he was not required to go on patrol. No, it was the expression on his face as he sat there which made Saito frown. It was almost... _tired _looking.

Noiselessly moving forward and settling himself down next to Okita, Saito voiced his surprise.

Starting a little, the other man turned to look at him, green eyes brightening when he saw who it was. "It's not very nice to creep up on others like that, Saito-kun," Okita smiled lopsidedly, light brown hair falling across his eyes as he tilted his head.

"I wasn't creeping up on you," came the even reply. "What are you doing up at this time of night?"

"Just thinking." His smile turned sly. "Why, Saito-kun, are you _worried_ about me? I'm honored."

"Don't change the subject," Saito replied, dark-eyed gaze never leaving the other's face and reacting to the teasing with barely a flicker of his lashes.

Okita sighed exaggeratedly, breath clouding slightly in the night air, and leaned sideways to rest his head against a wooden pillar, the smile slipping off his face. "_Ma, _you're no fun. Couldn't you at least have pretended to play along?" He pouted.

Saito turned to look at him, expression unreadable.

After a few more moments of silence, Okita finally spoke without looking at him, voice soft and serious. "_Ne, _Saito-kun, haven't you ever wondered why?" His words escaped him like a faint breath, and he turned his face away.

"Why?" Saito repeated, not quite understanding.

"Yes, why?" Okita turned to fix his gaze on the violet haired man next to him. "Why do we have to live like this, Saito-kun? We take lives so easily, yet who was it that gave us this right?" He lifted his hands out before his face, and although his skin was pale in the light of the moon, it was almost as though he could see nothing but blood.

Saito was quiet for a few moments, as though seriously considering the question, before saying in his usual emotionless tone, "No one, no one has the right to pass judgement on another, and because of our worthless human idiosyncrasies, we fight for none but ourselves, to protect that which is important to us."

"Always so cruel, Saito-kun," Okita sang, the smile coming back to his lips.

"There is no need to spend so much time thinking about these things," the other man replied. "If this is the path we had chosen, then we have no right to question - and it is too late."

"Ah, I know," Okita agreed, propping his head on one hand. "But sometimes I cannot help it. After all, every time we kill, it is never just an enemy that dies. The price of our actions is a never-ending cycle hatred, and I wonder - is it a price too high for us to bear the burden?"

Saito turned to look at him, gaze contemplative. He had never known that the childish captain of the first squad would think so much, but it was also no secret within the Shinsengumi that Okita Souji was extremely intelligent, so Saito did voice his thoughts.

"They, like us, are fighting for something also," he said quietly, "and if they are not strong enough to protect that something, then they will die. It is the way of war. And whether or not we can bear the burden - only time can tell."

"Do we have time, Saito-kun?"

Saito did not turn to look at him this time when he answered. "No one does."

Okita laughed, the soft sound unexpectedly tugging at something in Saito's heart, making him frown. "Your impassiveness is upsetting sometimes, Saito-kun," Okita teased.

There was no reply, and Okita found the other man looking at him strangely.

"What is it?"

Saito looked away. "Nothing."

If the cold response hurt him, Okita did not show it, but the conversation fell away afterwards, and in the companionable silence, Okita leaned back so that he was lying on the cold wooden floor and staring up at the sky.

"_Ne,_ Saito-kun," he said softly, "You are a lot like the moon, aren't you?"

From the corner of his eye, he saw the other turn to look at him with slight surprise in his gaze. "What do you mean?"

"You're always so cold and distant," he murmured. "Although we can see you, no one ever knows what you are thinking. And you never tell them either."

"No, I don't," Saito agreed quietly, his voice emotionless.

_You see what I mean? _Okita thought but did not say, stretching out an arm as though if he only reached far enough, his fingers could brush the moon hanging indifferent in the sky.

"But aren't you lonely sometimes?"

"No."

His fingers clenched and withdrew. "It is a little sad, I think." Okita curled up slightly on his side, smiling faintly so Saito could not see.

"You're so cruel, Hajime-kun."

:::

News; Letters :: 音沙汰

There are somedays when Hijikata would think about the things which Chizuru had brought with her, and today was one of those days. It was winter, like the time when she had first come to them, and he remembered how she had once said that the falling snow had looked like a storm of beautiful, unseasonal cherry blossoms.

He smiled. He had never thought about things that way. Such romanticism had no place in the lives of the Shinsengumi, in fact, it was discouraged. They lived in dangerous times, and their work was a cruel and ruthless one - for both their victims and themselves. Such idealism would have been delusional, and indeed fatal if dwelt too long upon.

But Chizuru was different. She was not one of the Shinsengumi, and even if she had been, he doubted if she would give up her quixotic (if a bit foolish and unrealistic) dreams.

"Heisuke! Come back here Heisuke!"

Watching her chase the boy around in an attempt to get him to return to the infirmary, Hijikata felt a fond smile grow on his lips. Heisuke had once commented that he was too lenient on her, but then, who wasn't?

Even Saito, as cold and unapproachable as he was, seemed to be genuinely fond of her, and could sometimes be found sitting next to her in the garden when she had finished her chores for the day, the two of them quietly watching the sky in companionable silence.

Although, of course, that didn't make Hijikata feel very special at all, but it was just some part of Chizuru's personality which helped her understand others so easily, and for people to open up to her too. Knowing this didn't necessarily mean he could overlook things like Harada's flirting anytime soon, but at least he no longer felt the urge to incapacitate anyone who looked at her too long.

This was also what Okita had once teasingly called a 'remarkable accomplishment' and nearly had himself bedridden for a week. Not that _he _ever learnt.

"Hijikata-san." The soft voice called him back to the present, and turning to look, he was surprised to see Chizuru standing next to him, a tray of tea in her hands.

"Where's Heisuke?" he asked, motioning for her to sit down next to him, wondering when she had appeared, and deciding that it didn't matter.

"Shinpatchi-san helped me find him," she explained, "And I somehow managed to drag him back to the infirmary. Really," she huffed, "He should look after himself more. I can't be running after everyone all the time."

Hijikata nearly laughed at that, finding the miffed expression on her face extremely endearing, but stopped himself just in time, knowing it was only going to earn him a scolding from her. Instead, he allowed himself to smile fondly.

"What would we do without you," he agreed, watching as she blushed at the words.

"I'm just doing my job," she protested. "It's really nothing much!"

"Is that what you think? But who would look after the injured men if you weren't here?" he asked. "And who would bring us tea? Or return Heisuke to the infirmary?"

Her brown eyes widened. "B-but, Hijikata-san! I'm sure-"

"-someone else would do it?" He lifted an eyebrow. "You give yourself too little credit, Chizuru." Then, seeing the flustered look on her face, he finally allowed himself to laugh, all the while knowing that it was undeniably mean of him to have teased her like this, but unable to help himself.

She pouted. "You're worse than Okita-san sometimes."

It was obviously not a compliment, but watching her determinedly drinking her tea and ignoring him, Hijikata felt his gaze soften. Heisuke was right - he was too easy on her - yet he could never seem to bring himself to mind.

"Have you had any news of your father?" he asked after a while, and seeing the worry fill her expression, he knew immediately that she had not.

"There was some mention of him by the civilians we met during the patrols, but they are either too afraid to talk, or saw him so long ago that it is of little help. Do you think he will be okay?" She was trying to hide her anxiety from him, he could tell, but the way she tightened her grip on her cup gave her away immediately.

"I'm sure he will be alright," he said reassuringly. "Your father probably just doesn't wish to involve you in his affairs. After it is over, he will definitely return."

Chizuru gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Hijikata-san. You're very kind."

He blinked, unaccustomed to having such a description applied to himself. "You think too much," he replied. Hearing her soft laughter, he felt himself smile as well, glad that for now, at least, she was no longer worrying.

Relaxing slightly, he looked out across the snow covered pond, feeling the cold winter wind against his face and thinking about another time much like this one. After all, it was also days like this that Hijikata would think about the things which had brought Chizuru here.

It was but a letter which had taken her from her home in Edo to the Shinsengumi, so what would it take to bring her away again? Hijikata hoped that he would never have to find out, but he also knew that she would go wherever the wind brought her, searching for her lost Father, and that he would be foolish to think that he could follow when the time came.

Watching silently, he saw Harada shout from down the corridor that Heisuke had made a break for freedom again. Seeing Chizuru leap to her feet at that and hesitate slightly with a glance in his direction, he gave a barely perceptible nod of acquiescence.

Yes, it was days like this that he wished would continue forever, but as she bowed and ran away, he knew he wished for too much.

:::

Our Distance and That Person :: キミとボクのキョリとアノコ

For those who lived in those last days, there was never any doubt that the Edo Era would soon collapse into dust. But why they would continue to support a fast deteriorating time of the Shogunate, even they did not really know, and their only answer would have been a smile and a shrug.

Or so Okita thought. That would have been his answer at least, but that wouldn't have been the truth. He knew that he fought for nothing more than 'home' - the place where he had belonged ever since he was young - for Kondou-san and Hijikata-san, for Chizuru and Saito and everyone else. But no one would have accepted this answer, he knew, because, really, how could such common sentiment lead to so much bloodshed? They would not have understood, and they needed someone to blame, so Okita preferred to let them imagine what reasons they will, so that when the Shinsengumi inevitably failed and collapsed, the common people would have a cause for rejoicing.

He did not care much for politics, or for war - no one really did. And this was perhaps the reason why even upon the battlefield, they flew their red banner high in the wind. It was to tell the New Government Army and the Aizu Clan and those who cared to take notice that they stood below no one, and that they would never bow down in submission to an era which would take away that which they were fighting to protect. It was their pride and their courage.

Hijikata had once said that no Shinsengumi needed permission, ever, to carry their flag of Sincerity because it was a conviction which had no master, but was the creed of those who had fought side by side and survived. If Okita ever agreed with him on anything, this would have been it.

But perhaps that was where he had went wrong. Lying motionless on the ground, the blood staining his clothes and skin and white hair, Okita found that the only thing he could think about was that he wished he had their flag with him then.

It was lonely in the silent battleground, and he wondered where Hijikata-san was. Hijikata-san who had been with him for so long and whom he had abandoned. He almost missed the days when their _fukuchou_ would chase after him in an attempt to get him to actually do some training. He smiled slightly.

So very, very far away. They were all so very far away. Where were they now? Where were those days back before the war? Before Chizuru and the Shinsengumi. Before Saito and their flag.

He might have regretted ever stepping onto this blood-stained path, had he known all the things he would come to love and lose. But he knew that even had he been able to live this life over a hundred different times, he would have chosen no other 'perhaps if'.

The cold wind passed over his face, but he barely felt it. He never would have thought that he would die alone, but perhaps it did not matter. Looking back at all those times, he knew that he could smile at them and remember that _those days were fun too_.

If only-

He closed his eyes, tired and weary from all the fighting and bloodshed.

There in the darkness, he could see their flag again, flying high and proud in the wind. Red like blood, like fire and war and sunrise.

How could they die? How could any of them die?

Immortalized by their conviction which lived in all who fought to protect that which they must.

Sincerity.

They were never all that far away.

:::

**A/N: Three short one shots I found sitting in my computer. Hoped you liked them. I haven't had much time to really look through for spelling/grammar mistakes (which I am notorious for), so please do review if you spot any! ^^**

**The pieces are mostly Hijikata/Chizuru and Saito/Okita (but only if you squint). I'll probably add on more later (three per chapter). For those who would like to request a specific pairing (like Kazama/Toudou o.O) please message me, and I'll try to write them as soon as possible. They will probably get more explicit later though (not as in M - at least I don't think so - but less hinted).**

**Love,**

**MoonMyst**


	2. Chapter 2

Ano sa... ::「あのさ」

Chizuru found him out on the roof of the school skipping out on lessons for the third time that week and barely containing her exasperation, she gave no thought to mercy as she hit him as hard as could to the back of his head with her Discipline Committee handbook.

Wincing slightly, he turned to looked up at her. 'What was that for, Chizuru-chan?' he asked, green eyes large and watery. Or at least it would have been to a casual observer, but Chizuru had not been childhood friends with one Okita Souji without gaining at least some experience, and so she did not fail to see that mischievous glint in his green eyes.

'You know that look does not work on me anymore,' she said, trying to appear as stern as possible, but all it sounded of was fondness, and Okita could sense it too.

'Is that so, Chizuru-chan?' he asked, pouting slightly.

She sighed. 'Sometimes I wonder how I put up with you,' she said, shaking her head.

'Because of my irresistible charm, surely,' Okita suggested, his tone lightly teasing now that he had given up all pretense of innocence.

'Which as I have mentioned, has absolutely no effect on me now,' she said, hitting him lightly on the head again with her handbook before sitting down as well.

'Skipping lessons?' he asked, voice slightly curious but she could hear the silent laughter behind it.

'Lessons ended a quarter of an hour ago,' she replied, managing to sound resigned yet at the same time chiding. 'You know, Harada-sensei once said that with your good looks, if you put even a little more effort into your studies the world could be yours for the taking.'

'So you do admit that I am charming,' Okita said, sounding extremely pleased with himself and the normally mild-mannered and gentle Chizuru had to resist herself from hitting him again. There was only so much abuse her Discipline Committee handbook could take for a day and she might need it again later.

Instead she settled on another sigh and wondering how she had ever come to know someone as incorrigible as he. 'I never said that, Okita-san,' she replied, wondering a little indignantly if he had even listened to what she was saying. 'Neither was that the point of the conversation.'

'There was a point to the conversation?' he asked lightly, as though the thought had not occurred to him. 'I thought you were merely relaying Harada-sensei's ridiculous speculations again.'

'Okita-san!' she cried, horrified at his disrespect. 'Harada-sensei was not being ridiculous.'

'The thought of any one person possessing the world is in itself a preposterous ambition,' he said. 'No one can be that perfect, Chizuru-chan.'

It was nothing specific really, but there had been a strange lilt to his voice when he spoke which told Chizuru that there was more behind Okita's words than what was being voiced.

'Perhaps not,' she agreed, 'but there is never anything wrong with trying to achieve it, I think.'

'It is a waste of effort I cannot be bothered to attempt,' Okita replied, shrugging lightly, as though to dismiss the subject.

'You might say that, yet maybe those without ambition are the only truly preposterous ones.' Chizuru tilted her head slightly to look at him from the corner of her eye, and saw surprise flit across his face for a moment.

He smiled. 'You are giving this a lot of thought are you not, Chizuru-chan?'

It was blatant change of subject but Chizuru chose to pretend not to notice. 'The only reason for that is because you think too little about everything, Okita-san,' she replied, chiding him again because she _can._

'_Oya? _I see that even Chizuru-chan has learnt how to talk back. How adorable,' Okita sang, the teasing glint returned to his eyes.

'Okita-san!' she protested, feeling herself blush. 'I wasn't trying to talk back-'

He laughed then, head thrown back with apparent abandon. 'You never change, Chizuru-chan,' he said, a strange gentleness in his green eyes. 'I wonder,' he said softly, making her turn to glance at him curiously.

'Wonder?' she asked, not entirely sure if he would continue.

'Yes,' he said, standing up and walking to the edge of the roof which overlooked the forests that surrounded their school in a dense greenery during summer. 'Have you ever heard of the red thread of fate, Chizuru-chan?' he asked.

'The red thread of fate?' she repeated, not understanding what it was that he might be trying to get at now. Even after knowing him for more than half her life-time, there were still moments when she felt as though she barely knew him at all. Moments when he would stand looking away from her and speak of things she had no idea how to even begin to understand. It was always during those times when she realized that perhaps he was, and had always been, somewhere very, very far away.

'They say everyone is bound by a red thread,' Okita said quietly, so much so that she could barely hear him over the sound of the wind. 'To the people they are destined to meet, no matter how many lifetimes come and go.'

Chizuru smiled slightly. 'I never thought you would believe in fate, Okita-san,' she replied, voice light with amusement.

'I believe whichever better serves my purposes at the moment,' he replied, and she could hear the laughter in his voice along with something that sounded strangely like wistfulness.

'And what would be your purpose now?' she asked, wondering how much she would be allowed to be ask and how much he would answer. It felt a little like prying, but she also knew that she might likely not have the chance to do so again.

'What do you think, Chizuru-chan?' he said, voice teasing although the wistfulness was still there, just beneath the surface.

She blinked, unsure of what he expected her to say. It was clear to her that there was a right answer to what he had just asked, but she could not seem to find it and she did not dare to give just any reply.

It was quiet after that, since Chizuru could not find a satisfactory response and Okita did not appear to provide one. From where she sat, she could hear the chatter of the other students as they prepared to return home for the day, their laughing voices drifting up in the summer air like the sound of crystal bells. She wondered if Okita could hear them too, because at the moment, he looked as though he was looking out at something no one else could see.

This might have been what he meant when he said that possessing the world was a preposterous ambition. After all, from up here where he usually went, reality seemed so clear and far away it was not hard to find that there were things that were worth more than the world. She thought, distantly, that she might have once known what it was - this important thing she could not lose - in another lifetime, another place.

Perhaps Okita knew what he was talking about after all. That maybe the red thread was not so much destiny as the hope that _we will one day meet again_. It might not be true, but she could see why one would choose to believe.

A cold wind blew past, and the silence stretched out into what felt like an eternity trapped within the turnings of time. Then Okita took a step backwards and finally turned to look at her again.

'Whatever binds me to you, Chizuru-chan,' he replied, viridescent eyes glittering in the late afternoon sun. But he might as well have been talking to himself with how soft the words were spoken.

_That is all of the future I need._

:::

the space between Dream and Reality :: 夢と現の間

The snow was falling again, thick and fast like a colorless storm, blanketing everything in a sheet of whiteness. Like washing the world clear of the chaos of everyday, returning everything to what it had been and once was.

Saito had always felt a strange fondness towards the snow. It might have something to do with its harsh coldness which served as reminders for his betrayal, or it might merely have been the memory of a person who had once told him that the falling snow when they had first met was like unseasonal cherry blossoms in the wind.

That had been years ago now. Many long years which seemed to merge into a single unending dream - or perhaps just a nightmare caught between the shards of memory and daylight. During that time, the Edo era had disappeared in a blazing flame of fire and war, and then had come the dawn of the Meiji with its peaceful days and quiet nights.

But even so, he could not find the calm he had been searching for. The world seemed wilder now, somehow, more strange, more distant.

There was always the bitter taste of ash in his mouth.

Chizuru appeared the day after the snow, reminding of when she had first come to the Shinsengumi. It was almost cruel, the memory that taunted him, but he did not show any of it the way he had learnt years ago never to.

They sat in silence drinking tea for most of the afternoon. He did not ask why she was there and she gave no explanation. He was merely glad that she was - he had not thought that he would see her again after so many, many years. He had not thought he would even see her again at all.

It was evening when she finally spoke, and he had at first expected that she would announce that she was leaving. But her words after they were said left him with a distinct sense of disquiet - the remnants of regret perhaps.

'It was not your fault, you know.'

He turned to look at her. 'What do you mean?' His voice was more emotionless than usual, but he could tell from the look in her eyes that she could still read him like she had all those years ago.

'It was not your fault what happened to the Shinsengumi, there was nothing you could have done to change the end. They knew that too, I think, but they still chose to do what they did.' She looked up at him, a deep sadness in her eyes which he thought should not be there.

'Theirs was a conviction I did not share.'

'You know that is not true,' she said, a hint of reproach in her voice, making him think back to times when things had been different, when their conversations had been easier and not so tense and cautious.

'Why else do you think I am the only one left now?' There was a bitterness in his voice he did not recognize.

Chizuru shook her head. 'Not the only one,' she replied.

_I am here too, am I not? _The unspoken words hung in the air between them, neither voicing it out loud because both knew that there was no need to.

'Did you come just to tell me that?' he asked instead, turning away from her to pour himself more tea. 'It is a little late even so, now that it would not matter either way.'

The look on Chizuru's face then was something that appeared almost fragile and broken. 'It is never too late,' she said quietly. 'Everyone needs someone to forgive them, even if the other was in no place to do so or if the wrongs were never their own.'

Saito did not speak for sometime after that, and Chizuru merely watched him, her dark eyes holding in them the years of loneliness he thought his own might reflect.

'Are you the same, then?' he asked finally, and he knew from the expression that flitted across her face that it was not what she had expected from him. It unsettled her.

But she did not pretend as she might have done many winters ago. The years had left their heartless memories on her as well, and he wondered if the innocence was still there, or if all that was left was a shadow of what had once been - who she had once been.

'I do not know,' she replied carefully. 'It has been such a long time, and-'

Saito did not ask. He had tried to forget as well, but that had been, perhaps, even more painful than remembrance. Forgetting meant leaving behind the only evidences of who he was once. If even that was gone, then what would there be to validate his existence? What could ascertain the reasons and the whys and hows?

'I am glad I found you,' she finished at last, but they both knew that that had not been what she wanted to say.

He smiled slightly all the same. 'So am I.'

She looked up at that, barely concealing her surprise. When their gazes met, he saw her expression softening into the same gentleness he remembered from so long ago, and he thought, a little relieved, that maybe she had not changed after all. That the years had not worn her down; that here, perhaps, he could finally the silence and peace he had been searching for without really knowing why.

'Will you stay?' he asked quietly, and for a moment thought she might refuse.

Then she smiled, the same smile he had come to remember from that world which now seemed little more than a dream.

'Of course, Hajime-kun. Thank you.'

:::

Our own world :: 二人の世界

Kazama had never once attempted to conceal his contempt for the human race. Weak and useless, yet so proud and arrogant. He could not understand their self-obsession, nor their fascination with things like war and pain and suffering.

He never tried.

And centuries later, he met one who was the very personification of all these qualities he so hated in the humans.

_Hijikata Toushizou. _It was a name he was sure he would remember for the rest of his long life.

It might perhaps have been this very reason which made him so strangely fascinated with the other. Everything he did, even to the extent of becoming a rasetsu, all for something no more than his friends and the people he loved.

Foolish. Kazama wanted nothing more than to crush this man's idealisms, yet even as the people around him disappeared one after another, he still fought on.

_If I kill you all, then we will become the real Oni..._

Do you think it is so easy? Kazama wanted to laugh. We belong in a place you can never reach even in exchange for your life.

But he never told Hijikata that because even despite himself, he was curious how far the other could go. What would it take to destroy the spirit of one who believed so much in himself? He wondered. How much sacrifice would it take before he realizes the futility of human existence?

But even so, even as the world around him crumbled into ash after fire and war, Hijikata never looked back, and Kazama made sure to stand forever just a little ahead.

A reminder. A mockery.

You can never be where we are... human.

It did not matter what name he decided to go by, Kazama thought. The title of Oni would never be within his hands. All he had was an imitation.

But even as he told himself this, Kazama could not help but wonder, faintly, at the back his mind. What if...?

_Rasetsu..._

Just how far away was his world?

For the first time in his life, Kazama wanted to know.

:::

**A/N: And here is my second contribution of three pieces. I am not entirely happy with them, but they were the best I could do...**

**I have decided to try some of the requested pairings, like Chizuru/Okita and Chizuru/Saito (both requested by Litschi ^^). The last one is... maybe Kazama/Hijikata...? Not what I originally intended, but I suppose it could work that way.**

**If you would like to request a specific pairing, just drop me a review as always. If you would like a separate one shot, message me the pairing as well as a prompt (anything from one word to a scenario) and I will try to write it for you. All is on a first come first serve basis, and if the pairing is too strange and unfathomable, I would not write it either, just so as not to traumatize everyone...**

**I hope you liked this anyway. :3**

**Ja ne!**

**Sei-kari and Ame**


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